nthleft

2009-06-15T13:51:00.002+08:00

i'm thinking of moving to wordpress. for no real reason. just thinking.

i want to take more pictures. do more art. make more people happy. maybe not write more poetry, because i can never seem to write happy things. i want to learn to not hate love songs or happy endings. i want to be on holiday.

hey, saint. my name is angel. and neither of us are perfect but that's alright too.

2009-06-12T12:14:00.002+08:00

i hate love songs.

2009-06-12T11:07:00.003+08:00

i feel sick to my stomach and bone-tired. i slept well, but just maybe not enough. i wish i had a dandelion puff to wish on; i'd wish i was curled up under the covers with my teddy bear with nothing more to do but let my mind shut down and sleep until the world turns green-blue fresh again.

i make sweeping statements like: wars are stupid. because i believe that wars are stupid and people die and those people that dont die get post traumatic stress disorder, which is also stupid because no one should have to go through so much stress that they suffer post traumatic stress disorder. it's just not very nice. (i'm preoccupied with niceness; in pictures, flowers, people, things, names, whathaveyou.)

niceness is dreams is also nice, but my brain, it would seem, is not preoccupied with niceness when i'm asleep. case in point: nightmares - not just normal scary nightmares but ludicrous nighttime pictures (starring me) involving giant mutant spiders attacking earth. or i assume it's earth, the setting being whatever place my brain is in and anyway, i've never been on any other planet. but, yes, giant mutant spiders who want to kill my family and, so is happens, are afraid of gravy. said gravy was found in a skateboard shop.

dont ask me where my brain gets all that because i dont know either. some sort of strange malfunctioning nerve connection, i suppose.

that wasnt really the point - there's no real point. in any of this, so it doesnt matter. i just really want to sleep and take photographs (not while i'm sleeping, obviously).

2009-06-11T16:06:00.002+08:00

i had dinner with DJACK plus ruzhen and mary last night and it was the most i've laughed in a long, long while. (: dinner was whatever (pastamania, blahblah) but the company was amazing - so what if kenneth and i spend most of the time talking about boys and books and movies? I LOVE HIM. i love all of them, they're great. (oh, comma splicing.)

anyway, the point is that i had a lot of fun and so what if i got home late and felt like a zombie this morning? little things. i cant wait for the hols so we can have our bake off and movie marathons. 'cause, y'know, that's what we do best.

p.s. it's so nice to know my cupcakes and cookies and cakes are missed. :D

2009-06-08T16:45:00.002+08:00

this is my prayer in the desert
when all that's within me feels dry
this is my prayer in my hunger and need
my God is the God who provides

this is my prayer in the fire
in weakness or trial or pain
that there is a faith proved of more worth than gold
so refine me, Lord, through the flames

i will bring praise
no weapon formed against me shall remain
i will rejoice
i will declare
God is my victory and He is here

this is my prayer.

2009-06-08T15:32:00.003+08:00

i almost never open this blogger window with a topic in mind and on the rare occasions that i do, i usually forget what it is i want to talk about when i see the big, blank box. hence, my blog entries tend to be a series of random rambles and jumbled thoughts that happen to be floating around the top of my brain when i'm typing.

i dont know why i bother. suppose it's just nice to talk about nothing in particular some times. all the time. or maybe i just like being able to reflect on what's in my head once in a while - the rage, the pain, the euphoria, the hype, the aches and the more-often-sad-than-not.

lately, i've been considering my career, rather, just what i'm going to do after i graduate from polytechnic. thing is, my parents cant afford to send me overseas and i dont want to study in a local university - at least, at this point, i cant see myself doing it - so i'm gonna have to work first (and my parents actually dont want me to go straight to university anyway). so i've been thinking about what i should do. my present company, i think, will hire me again after i graduate but i'm not entirely sure i want to work here. the whole thing about not wanting to be in the media industry is still there.

for one thing, this industry requires one to be, well, bitchy for the lack of a better word. no one bats an eyelash when it comes to shoving another person into getting them information right away, maybe because of the power of the media and how everyone wants to be written in a good light. it all seems very abusive to me - i dont like pushing people around (but, yes, i'm a pushover and i'll admit that that's something of a flaw in my character). i dont like how easy everyone else seems to find it.

i'm not sure if i believe that nice people finish last. i'm not sure if i even believe that life is about winning - okay, i know that life isnt about winning. i dont want to work in this industry unless i feel like i'm doing something useful; helping companies sell products that may or may not work is not useful. if i was producing documentaries that were saying something or had a meaningful message, i think i'd be a lot more motivated.

i dont know. it's all very confusing at this point. i guess i'm just frustrated and afraid because i have to make decisions that will change my whole life. all i can do is pray.

2009-06-05T12:09:00.003+08:00

i've got the first three notes of the opening of still stuck in my head and it's playing on repeat. so this is what life is like waiting for the chorus - and maybe never knowing if it's really coming.

hmm. musings.

(and yeah, i'm supposed to be doing work. it's in that other window over there. i'm just..ignoring it for the moment. shrug.)

2009-06-04T12:01:00.002+08:00

yay for emotion rants. i'd much rather not be at work today 'cause i have a book to read. i cant wait for august 'cause it'll be the HOLIDAYS and i'll be able pretty much live in the library and bake enough delicious things to feed 2 armies.

please, holidays, come quick.

2009-06-03T17:41:00.002+08:00

i'm sayin' i cannot wait to LEAVE. the admin woman (who, at this point and at many other points in my life, i have little and no affection for) has just ranted/yelled at me about "teamwork" and me not helping her dump trash, which is not only not part of my job but also something that the boss said he'd hire other people to do.

her badly-phrased and grammatically wrong tirade was about how heavy the box was and how i should help her because this is "teamwork" (please note, my office consists, at the moment, four people. she did not speak/rant at anyone else but me) and she expects me to clear the trash tomorrow - which i plan not to do because i'm going to ask my superior about it first.

it's unfair to call her an idiot, but i must confess: she sure as fuck acts like one.

2009-06-01T13:43:00.007+08:00

my weekend project: the matchbox pinhole camera.

i havent finished my roll yet, but it's certainly interesting and exciting. and for those of you who are digitalbrainsucks, just ignore this post. the analogue junkies (of whom i know approximately none and one almost), please feel free to make your own! pinhole cameras are really something else. (:

2009-05-29T10:48:00.003+08:00

teh joshua and i, we spend most mornings (at work) oooooh-ahhhhh-omgggggg-ing over various cameras/lenses. 'cause we're just awesome like that.

ESCAPE THE DIGITAL CONSPIRACY! hahaha.

2009-05-28T17:42:00.003+08:00

things i love about analogue:
1. useless viewfinders. it's true. after dSLRs and their 'see just what the lens is seeing' viewfinders, my baby toy cams' viewfinders are about as useful as unsticky post-its. but i love that. it's called shooting from the hip, people.
2. never knowing what in the hell you just took a picture of after the shutter clicks. it feels seriously weird the first few times. i cannot begin to describe the weirdness - it's kind of shivery and tingly and giggly. something like anticipation.
3. imperfect pictures. it's a fact: toy cameras often yield blurr, distorted, vignetted, flared and light leaked pictures. but that's the magic.
4. the 'i'm there holding the camera' effect in pictures. maybe it's just me. but analogue pictures always draw me in and i feel like i'm there holding the camera as opposed to crisp, 'perfect' digitals, which are just pictures. analogue runs deep (for me, anyway).
5. thoughtlessness. that's the moral of the story, isnt it? dont think, just shoot.

so, my darling friends, this is a message from me, as an agent of lomography and analogue lovers everywhere, ESCAPE THE DIGITAL CONSPIRACY.

but remember, i'm a biased bohemian crazy with idealistic ideas about art, photography and what all that should "really" be about. (:

2009-05-27T13:14:00.003+08:00

yeah. um. so..

STAR TREK WAS FREAKING GOOD.

chris pine helped majorly, i will not deny that (he has the most delicious eyes - i've known that since blind dating, oh, irony). but the movie was brilliantly put together and the digital animation was nothing short of stunning. i literally couldnt breathe when i first set eyes on narada - she's one helluva gorgeously designed mecha dreamship. i mean, u.s.s. enterprise is pretty, sure, but not in the raw, stark, almost animalistic way that narada just..is.

ho, yeah. i'm a geek/nerd/freak/basketcase, call it what you will. i dont really care.

i enjoyed the movie so much that i actually want to watch it again. and i want to watch star wars again. and, uh, as established above, i'm a geek. and PROUD. (x

that aside, i spent the entire morning reading about star trek. it's so damn complicated. but i suppose that's because it's about as old as my mother and has had the chance to accumulate all the twists and turns and planets and characters that are the hallmark of in-universe stories. it's not even a 'story', more like a phenomenon. a bit like tolkien's middle earth, but on a different level - a spacey, star-spangled level. <3

of course, what really made the movie awesome was luoer and vanessa. between the pre-movie "what's star trek"?-ness, the in-movie giggling and the post-movie "omg that was awesome wasnt chris pine hot look at his eyes omgomg" gushing, they made my evening. (: I LOVE YOU BOTH.

now, back to that vulcan article on wikipedia. hmm.

2009-05-26T16:36:00.001+08:00

just some thoughts.
on reflective monday mornings i can close my eyes or keep them open and cup my hands against the hurting-numb place behind my diaphragm; somehow managing to find it almost funny, and strange-tragic how willing i would be (or was) to impale myself on your calloused words/fingers/eyes and disregard the pieced-together fragility of my broken heart/soul/capacity to feel

mostly, i suppose, because you could touch my eyelids/clavicle/skin/fingertips and i would melt into a single point electric spark (whose only goal is the jump between two synapses) and somehow remember/pretend that hope could be a friend, that you might be the person who wouldnt make me cry - this is the evaporation of sense and all my gathered intellect

and isnt it also so very funny how i always manage to fall
for the
boy
who
breaks
my heart?

not very funny at all.

2009-05-26T11:16:00.002+08:00

sooo. new blog skin. 'bout time, huh? well, this took me ages since the whole picture was vectored in photoshop and firefox is screwy with such things (but let's not go into that). i must say, i like it. (: the whole thing reminds me of chocolate, which, of course, helps tremendously with the liking of it. grin.

yesterday was a emo day and today's a happy day! (: and i have movie dates tonight. how awesome is that? star trek, dudes. and yes, i'm a friggin' nerd/geek/basketcase - and chris pine is totally hot. he has the most gorgeous blue eyes. (now you know the real reason why i'm watching it.)

have a nice daaaaay, everyone. even if i dont like you. (:

2009-05-18T12:09:00.002+08:00

soooo, hi, dudes. it's been a while. i've been busybusybusy the last fortnight with events and photoshoots pretty much every day. this week looks to be quiet, though. not that i'm complaining.

what's going on now? well, uhm. not much. mostly camera mania. craaaazy camera mania. and sadness 'cause i've no moo-lah to buy smexy new camera smexiness. but then there's the other camera and i can afford it butbutbut..ahhh. it's insane. i'm gonna cry for all the delicious camera-y deliciousness.

kill me.

an unfocused mind.

2009-05-03T17:30:00.003+08:00

not very long ago, i was covered in perspiration, flour, ground cinnamon and butter. yes, i have been baking. again. CINNAMON ROLLS. i baked one batch on friday (totally gone) and i did another batch today. can i just say that they are delicious? THEY ARE DELICIOUS. and sticky and gloriously delectable.

they make me weak in the knees. <3 who the hell needs boyfriends when you can have cinnamon rolls? :D

2009-04-30T17:50:00.002+08:00

yay, the weekend is here! labour day for the win. and shouldnt it be called non-labour day? we're not labouring on that day, we're labouring on all the other days. so, the holiday's name should be changed. ahem. yes.

but, uh, that wasnt really the point of this post. there really isnt a point at all, to be honest. just to blog rubbish because i finished 4 articles today (i worked on them one after another) and now i'm pretty damn sleepy. but i also have another article that i'm looking forward to writing! and it might just be a really important one, which is why i'm not writing it just yet. i'm still in the process of..well, that part before you start writing. it's not really planning, more like just thinking about it and tossing ideas around, et cetera.

it might frustrate you, dear reader, that i cannot mention what the articles are about! but i cant, so there.

also, the magazine came out! and the articles i wrote today are for the next issue. so, uhm, yeah.

oooooh, right. SOME NEWS: i dyed my hair red. yay, for redheads! (: also, i love luoer. and, i think that's it. LET THE WEEKEND BEGIN. right after i empty the trash.

2009-04-27T09:46:00.002+08:00

and so, i love weekends. but most people do, i suppose. but, possibly due to some combination of over-browsing foodblogs and messy PMS-type hormones, i spent the entire weekend baking.

so bring on the oven mitts, flour, sugar and butter. despite the oppressive, dank weather, i managed to fill more than a few happy tummies and perfume the entire house with the wafting, stomach-growl inducing fragrance of baked gloriousness. even thinking about it makes me 'ungry.

specifically, this is the yumminess that descended upon my home in the form of baked goods: german pancakes, raisin scones, bailey's baked french toast, nutmeg mocha cake, gingerbread cookies and chocolate caramel crack(ers).

see, i wasnt kidding when i said the entire weekend.

2009-04-23T09:34:00.004+08:00

hola. i cannot begin to say how glad i am that it's thursday. because if it's thursday, it means tomorrow's friiiiiidaaaayyy. and fridays are awesome days, thank you very much. speaking of days, it appears that today is EARTH DAY. now how did i manage to miss that memo? anyway, i'm not entirely sure what we're supposed to do to commemorate or celebrate or honour it.

maybe i'll use less post-its. (:

on an unrelated note: due to possibly the lack of sleep and/or the lack of sunshine (i'm under florescent lights all day in the office), my dark circles seem to be getting darker and my skin seems to be getting paler. the overall effect is something akin to a cadaver with freckles. i'm starting to find my reflection disconcerting.

also, this thought occurred to me last night: what makes a good ensemble is not what it's made of because an outfit is more than the sum of its parts. so designer wear, blaaah. throwing a bunch of expensive clothes together is no guarantee that you'll look good.

edit: okay, so i did use post-its today. but they were recycled post-its and i had to use them because it was for proofreading and i needed to mark out pages. sorry, gaia.

2009-04-16T12:21:00.000+08:00

i hate computer illiterate people. it's called apple help. $(£*&$£(&$* use it!

2009-04-16T10:00:00.002+08:00

i have a headache coming on. this to add to the list of growing things that is wrong with me. maybe i'm having an off day but mother of diana, my system's fucked up today. i'm so miserable.

all i want is my bed, a box of panadol and sleep. a lot of sleep.

2009-04-13T16:52:00.002+08:00

some things just look better all cut up. like media management notes.

2009-04-09T09:40:00.002+08:00

apparently sheer black hosiery is the definition of sexy to my new friend jenny aka the admin lady (at my office) aka the person who writes my cheque. she's real sweet and kinda quirky in the head, much like the other vegetarian in my life with whom more of you are familiar, jesley. they share a handful of similarities apart from their animal-free diet; for one, they're both rather talkative and enthusiastic about things and in ways that no one else around them seems to really understand. they're both prone to fits of psychobabbling and mis-said sentences that people tend to snigger at. although jenny seems rather faster on the uptake than jesley, i havent known her long enough to know for sure.

ah, office life. hah.

may i also note that being called sexy is a first. especially by an older woman. and yes, i'm making that sound way more appealing than it really is.

2009-04-07T11:15:00.003+08:00

and so i'm depressed and irritated and moody because of the volatile hormone cocktail swish-swoshing inside my blood vessels and cumulating in that soft tissue behind my eyeball just to poison my thoughts.

fuuukaytielid.

2009-04-06T13:37:00.003+08:00

it's monday.

if you were garfield, you wouldnt be too happy about that. but i'm not garfield, even though i'm not elated about the fact. on the brighter side of things, it's a short week because of Good Friday. thank God for that. not that i mind work. i havent done anything at all today - all i've been doing since 9.45am (which is when i got into the office, 15 minutes late because i missed my bus for no good reasons) is check my dA messages, drool over pictures, pop by flickr and talk to josh. i have nothing lined up for today at all because i pretty much finished writing everything last week.

since i'm so unoccupied, i shall make a list of things that have happened since my last blog post.
1. i came into possession of a new, big mug. i feel quite a lot of affection for that mug despite our very recent acquaintance.
2. i started bento-ing. i.e. i cook food and bring it to work for lunch every day in my very cute blue polka-dot bento box from daiso. oh, and the abovementioned mug is also from daiso.
3. i went to daiso on saturday after gym and bought a bunch of really cute sauce bottles.
4. sauce bottles that i should have used today to prevent the leakage of sesame salad dressing all over my bag, which, incidentally, now smells like sesame dressing.
5. i used the treadmill in the gym this saturday instead of the bike because i want to start running again.
6. i have a ton of passionfruit at home 'cause mum bought some and grandma gave me a bunch more since the malaysian relatives who were visiting brought a basketful.
7. i've started talking mum into investing in a hand blender and a sewing machine.
8. i misplaced my cross and a library book. upsetting.
9. i finally watched HSM3 and spent the half an hour before i fell asleep brooding about love and the related complications.
10. i watched step up twice this weekend.

also, i really miss stuart. and i'm a little moody now. i want affection.

2009-03-27T10:55:00.001+08:00

i feel like taking doll pictures. rawr. (i'm in the office. double rawr.)

2009-03-24T18:00:00.001+08:00

hmm. so between now and the last time i posted loads of things have happened; including but not limited to a trip to macau (which i enjoyed immensely largely on account of the cold weather and the good shopping at zuhai) as well as the starting of my 5-month internship (it's into its second day now).

so, i'm gonna talk about work, obviously. by and large i spend my time in the office pretending to be busy when in actual fact, i'm surfing deviantArt or facebook or denofangels. of course this isnt because i'm lazy, it's because i have nothing to do, having already finished the things i have to do - which are really child's play compared to rushing out trippers. so how nice it is to be able to say that i'm a better and tougher person for finishing that magazine; both my baby and my nightmare.

what can i say, i'm now counting the seconds to getting off work and going for dinner with mum and lyn. and this is good, i'm typing - it looks like i'm writing things. hahaha. i am, but not work things, so yes.

at least there's an event tomorrow so i get to go looksy and i'll have something to write after and i might get freebies, which i probably have no use for, but it's nice to get free things anyhow.

to all my friends who are also doing IAP/IBP, i wish you all the best and i hope you're all doing productive things (unlike moi).

2009-03-09T02:02:00.002+08:00

of unfortunate fascinations (bordering on obsessions), i write
emo boys
i love them. the way they look:
the hair - either floppy and obscuring most of the (cute) face or spiky and/or streaked in unnatural colour.
the eyes - like they never sleep or something or maybe it's eyeliner or whaever.
the facial piercings - tastefully done and omgYUMMM.
the hoodies - to hide their skinny bones and protect them from the world(? snigger.)
the sneakers - i love sneakers. period.
the whole darn package (of pure darkness tied up with a silver string) - i cannot get enough.
yes, someone please drag me off the internet. and get me a pretty emo boy. STAT.

overpriced coffee
starbucks, i adore thee. honest to blawg. i'm addicted to caffeine (see previous post). ONE VENTI ICED CAFFE LATTE, PLEASE. and cute baristas do help! especially when they're all smiley and flirtatious.

chicklit
good gracious, do i really have to say anything about this? luoer understands. it's addictive, feel-good deliciousness that is undeniable when one is in need of a perk-up and distraction from my very boring and cute-boy-free life. plus, it makes me giggly and happy-high afterwards - what more could a girl want of a read experience? (that was a rhetorical question.)

chicklit is the chocolate-coated cookie of the genre jar. <3

and the point is:
i need to go to the library and starbucks. and PLEASE, GOD, LET A CUTE EMO BOY FALL OUT OF THE SKY AND INTO MY VERY BORING AND CUTE-BOY-FREE LIFE SO THAT IT WILL NO LONGER BE CUTE-BOY-FREE. thank you and amen. :D

2009-03-05T02:44:00.002+08:00

some things you should know about ME (and some random thoughts i happened to meet on the way to the end of the list
1. i'm addicted to caffeine.
2. i love vampires - låt den rätte komma in, twilight, blue bloods, all that jazz - LOVE IT.
3. juno, pan's labyrinth and låt den rätte komma in are my all-time favourite movies.
4. star wars is my all-time favourite more-than-one-movie set of movies (even though i havent watched all of it).
5. if they werent such total life-sucking sticks of crap, i'd probably be dragging ciggies all day long.
6. i'm some times tempted to let go of my life and screw it up just to see what happens (but i have too much good sense bred into me to ever let that come to pass).
7. my vices include dark chocolate (60% cocoa and up, preferably), lattes with no sugar and my chemical romance.
8. i went through a punk phase when i was in secondary school along with an anime phase (before the punk one) and i still love goth and punk clothing and accessories.
9. black lace is totally hawt.
10. i have a total weakness for good-looking people (but like, WHO DOESNT).
11. some days i go on icon/font/photoshop brush/pattern binge downloading spree things - and i enjoy them muchos.
12. i'd love to speak in some european language like french or german or norwegian.
13. i love the way japanese sounds.
14. it bugs me that animax has english-dubbed anime 'cause it sounds terrible and i love listening to the original voices but the subtitles are in chinese.
15. i cant read chinese.
16. i think emo might've been one of the best things that ever happened to me.
17. i loved the first macbook i ever saw and since the moment i laid eyes on it i wanted one.
18. the first macbook i ever saw was white and belong(ed?) to yihao.
19. as much as sub-editting is a huge pain in the you-know-where, it is also immensely satisfying.
20. i love reading books.
21. ellen page has the nicest nose i've ever seen and i would like to have a nose like hers. seeing it makes me want to have plastic surgery.
22. my dream house is one of those old-fashion chateau-like ones and it will have a huge library with dark wood shelves and ladders to reach the highest shelves. and it will smell like books and silence.
23. vanilla cakes make the house smell fantastic.
24. i'm too lazy to learn how electronic stuff works.
25. biology fascinates me.

2009-02-22T21:14:00.003+08:00

"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are: good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what-have-you. The right person's still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person worth sticking with."

- Mr. MacGuff, Juno

and that's why i love juno.

2009-02-21T13:46:00.000+08:00

“Rub the dry stuff off, it’s caking. And don’t get any of it on the towel either - it’s hard to get the shit out of fabric.”

Derisive snort. “It’s not like I do the laundry, you know.”

“Yeah, but I doubt she’ll be happy about having to clean up our mess. Not to mention it won’t be pretty if she found out what we’ve been up to.”

“Oh, come on. I can always come up with an excuse or...something. Hormones, blahblah. She’ll buy it.”

“Actually, I don’t think she’ll even want to ask - I mean, who wants to know, right?”

“Ha-ha. No one. So, what’s the moral of the story?”

“Don’t look in your laundry basket.”

Shrug. “Eh, as good as any, I suppose.”

“You’re a dipshit, by the way.”

“I love you too, baby.”

i'm a writer, not a liar. haha.

2009-02-21T00:27:00.003+08:00

you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost.

i'm in a up-down-all-around-yoyo mood. it sucks bugs but tchhhhhyeah. it just makes me wanna do something impulsive (usually means cutting my hair off again, hoho). i'm not gonna do it, i'm not. really. i like having hair to tie up. maybe i'll dye it blue instead.

and, hmm, i want to dress up and smoulder up and flirt up a storm with a cute barista. haha.

2009-02-19T00:04:00.003+08:00

i have to do a small update in the midst of my (feeble) stab at mugging in the light of all the important dates that seemed to have just flown by. of course, valentine's day - which i spent at the peranakan museum with my trusty camera and four boys. HAHA. yes, i'm that awesome.

actually, i'm just kidding: they're all my good friends i love them to bits but they're not the boyfriend-kind, you know. josh, james, fenghua and jerms are more like the hang-out, talk-nonsense, take-a-million-pictures (NOT of ourselves) buddy-buddy kind. :D in fact, jerms and josh are in my regular loop and along with honglin and justin, they're my juvenile-delinquent-out-'til-late-not-doing-productive-things-scheming-to-take-over-the-world-rubbish-talking-laughing-real-hard-being-rude-to-honglin-lunch-kaki partners-in-crime. and to all you lovebirds with your one-and-only's, you probably dont get up to half the nonsense we do. the point is, valentine's was great - and i luff you, dudes! (except honglin, 'cause he sucks. lol.)

oh, and we watched valkyrie. great stuff- made me cry. post-movie, we went to the arcade and the grabby-claw machines happily fleeced me and foiled my attempts to get a fluffy-butt stuffed toy (not that i need any more).

and for normal people, it would kind of end there, but for little ol' me, the festivities continue. 'cause, as indicated in the column on the right, my birthday is february fifteenth (yes, that's the day after valentine's day, if you were wondering). and so my nice, wonderful, lovely friends (jerms, justin, honglin, josh) took me out - but not without loitering in my house, tinkling on the piano, watching the discovery channel and exclaiming things about the audi - and we took a post-dinner excursion to mt faber and KENNETH AND APPLE AND DERRICK AND RUZHEN CAME WITH A CAKE AND PRESSIES. <3

did i mention i have great friends? 'CAUSE I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS.

and the view was great, the cake was uber scrummy, the presents were insanely awesome and chief amongst them was a book full of pictures of ZAC EFRON. and if you've been around me, you may have guessed that i'm of the opinion that zac efron has the best damn set of genes currently in existence on the planet. zomg, he's pretty. D: you people are astoundinggggggg.

(oh, look at my spelling all going down the drainz just 'cause monsieur efron was mentioned. BRAINMELT.)

anyhow, the fact of the matter is, i had a stupendous nineteenth birthday and i want to thank all the people who had a hand or foot or sms or phone call in it - for making it awesome and special and distracting so i didnt even think about how old i was getting. I LOVE YOU ALL. (yeah, maybe even honglin.)

p.s. i take back the bit where i said it was a "small" update. :D

2009-02-09T22:34:00.004+08:00

i love guitar-twang love songs, the purple bellies of storm clouds, border collies, particle physics, the smell of a cake in the oven, laughing so hard i cant breathe, happy endings and holding hands.

i'd like to love so much it hurts. will you stay a while?

2009-02-07T22:37:00.001+08:00

I LOVE CHIPMUNKS!

and kimchi!

AND SUSHI!

2009-01-26T01:13:00.000+08:00

i want to see something so beautiful it makes me want to burst into song (and love the whole world). that, i think, is a worthy goal.

2009-01-19T22:19:00.001+08:00

i have no books to read.
dundunDUN. tragic.

also, i got my braces in on saturday. (recording for posterity.)

2009-01-12T22:59:00.002+08:00

lectures are a draaaag. they are. so much so i end up drawing a bunch, occasionally on my neighbour's hand. but they're nice pictures so i dont think anyone'd mind. (:

today, besides attending lectures, i also watched red cliff two - it was quite good. but, as with all war and war-related shows, my mind ran down the track of how excruciating war is to watch and how easy it is to watch soldiers die without quite remembering that each one of them is human; every man that got stabbed through with a spear, pierced by an arrow (or arrows, as the case may be). slashed by a sword, set ablaze and fell, eyes open or shut or choking on his own blood and feeling his knees give out under him could have been a friend, an uncle, a cousin, a brother, a father, a husband. could have been you. or me.

the dead line the battlefields indiscriminately - enemies side by side, armies and allies and promises ground to dust. all on the whim of a handful of men who'd taken it upon themselves to decide the lives of so many and somehow convinced others that it was worthwhile to die for them. and my regret is that these are the only names history remembers.

wars are fought because of greed, loyalty, dignity, survival, honour and even necessity; that doesnt mean they're worth it. and the glory of the battlefield does not exist - not in the tears of widows, not in the wailing of orphans, not in the nightmares that plague those who survive. there is no glory, only guts and blood and gore and a flood of anguish and the hope of tomorrow.

none are immortal. none go without regrets. because there are no winners.

2009-01-09T22:59:00.002+08:00

i got four teeth extracted today (to make room for my other teeth because i'm doing my braces). so i went to the dentist and he jabbed me in the mouth eight times with a huge, gorgeous, shiny needle and removed my teeth and gave them to me in a little ziplock bag. :D

now my mouth feels funny.

2009-01-06T21:56:00.002+08:00

hello, all. s'been a while, huh. did nothing in particular today except read and read - to be quite exact, i spent a good 5 hours tucked away in a corner of bishan library this afternoon. prior to that, i was reading in coffee bean and earlier still, i was attending my advertising lecture. i was supposed to go to the gym after said lecture, but due to much silliness and slippery mindedness on my part, i ended up not going, however i do not consider my afternoon badly spent because what better company to be in than books (cute boys aside, of course. grin).

of course, being at junction 8 and all, i could hardly resist paying the gashapon machines a visit. i think i'm mildly addicted to those things - they are rather fabulous, you must admit. cute little mini-disney-things. <3 oh, and cotton on body, which i also adore. they're having some kind of sale right now and i cannot but squee a little over the amount of pretty underwear they have. i tried to find a picture, but i couldnt - they have got these most fantastic little frilly, lacey knickers that come in all a manner of checks and gingham patterns and if you know me, you know i have a horrid weakness for all things lace-and-frills-and-checks and so i find those undies nigh on irresistible. so if anyone reads this blog of mine, I WANT THOSE FOR MY BIRTHDAY. :D

please? (and you better be a girl or my mother will hunt you down and remove your eyes with rusty nails.)

2008-12-31T20:45:00.002+08:00

every year, i feel duty-bound to write some end-of-the-year thing because it's supposed to be a day of reflection and whatnot. but this year, today, doesnt feel like the end of the year. maybe it hasnt hit me yet because my life has pretty much disintegrated into an endless parade of projects and constant worrying about work, GPA, finding lost things - and hoping i'll never find some other lost things (and, also, losing things).

so, yes, i am feeling rather melancholy at the moment and i feel as if i'm treading some thin line - the very edge where grey and grey met. and no, no, of course that wasnt supposed to make sense. it never does this way, no.

i am sad.

not for any reason in particular, mind you. just the general scheme of things taking its toll as it is bound to eventually, at different times and in different seasons. i cannot, presently, find it in myself to dredge out good cheer and find it in me to love the things i do - even though i do no suffer whilst at them. it's a complicated state of things, largely because i cannot muster the energy to untangle it all and i know that in time, it will pass and the world will right itself again (as is its habit).

so now i float along on molten mercury and let the wisps of whims wind up my calves and dance me on the current. something will happen. in time.

all in His time.

2008-12-26T22:30:00.001+08:00

scribbles.
_

hi,
hello,

i would stumble over my words on the way to your house and the doorstep and the front porch and tell you, when you snigger, that the floor is not even. and i will not meet your eyes for fear that you would open me up and

make me vulnerable

to your laughter, your voice, your touch - and then all, all would be lost for ever and ever to the stars and sand and time and the smell of your skin. that i will want to close my eyes and breathe you in and you will tangle me up and i will stretch out my palms, still wet and slick and dripping and full of my heart and push it into your open hands and say

break it.

2008-12-25T01:25:00.002+08:00

merry christmas, one and all!
may love, peace, joy, faith and goodwill follow you in this season and those that come. <3

2008-12-23T00:25:00.002+08:00

i just got back from my 2Charity barbecue. it was pretty amazing to see everyone again (almost everyone). and they havent really changed, you know. same faces, still. but it felt really nice to be around them. (: oh, all the girls got really pretty. teehee. and the food was really not bad at all this time - it wasnt burnt! yes, i'm very surprised. i must say, however, that this was a very decent and nice chalet. no drunks or anything like that. i love those kids. <3

2008-12-22T13:30:00.002+08:00

toes!, originally uploaded by chelminlim.

on saturday, i fell in love with stuart. and i went very trigger happy with my camera (justin, i love your lens). VISIT MY FLICKR 'cause i cant even begin to tell you in words how awesomely amazingly splendidly cute he is. <33333333333

just look at him. eep. heartmelt.

2008-12-15T12:42:00.002+08:00

okay. so the people came over yesterday - yes, THE PEOPLE. aaaand we cooked dinner. completely overpriced dinner. but it didnt taste too bad and the company was good, of course. so was the grape juice, even if it was sparkly and made me really full. and there are TONS of leftovers languishing in my fridge now. anyhoot, i finally got to watch transformers - it was good. and the megan fox girl has pretty eyes. but, for me, josh duhamel stole the show. hewassooohotomg. :D (also, it totally played on my adoration for guys in uniform. teehee.)

after the people left, i watched the notebook and, like the sappy little sap that i am, i cried. baaaah. it's such a romantic sap show. and i like it so so much. cringe. i'll admit it, i'm a hopeless romantic. I AM. D: i even liked enchanted (actually, i like a lot of disney stuff - most of it). digressing some, but "hopeless romantic" is a most ironic turn of phrase, dont you think? i mean, romantics are like the most hopeful people in the world! they dont ever give up hope - that's what makes them romantics to begin with. hopeless romantic, indeed.

speaking of romance and sweet things, I BAKED COOKIES. also, I HAVE A DATE ON TUESDAY WITH A GORGEOUS, HOT LADY. fwahahaha. be jealous. (:

the only damper here is that i have lecture later and tutorial this wednesday. some people obviously dont know what 'term break' means. TSK.

i'll just look forward to my tuesday.

2008-12-07T13:27:00.002+08:00

i guess it's high time i updated my blog if for no other reason than to kick the other posts off the page. anyway, i havent been up to much (other than school, that is) but i did bake chocolate chip cookies today; they're really not half bad. plus, they made the house smell fabulous. i need to get off the sugar cravings. it's making me feel awful. i've been having too much nonsense food of late i can feel the drag already. e.g. i slept 10 hours and i'm still tired. and on friday, i slept past my 12pm alarm - and at 12pm that day, i'd already slept for at least 10.5 hours.

it seems i'm in a dismal state in terms of health. i need to nourish myself and start exercising. which is why i'm going to the gym later - after i finish my work. neverending stuff. it needs to be done, though. i need to do well.

so i guess i'd better go get started. (i realise my post is low-energy and boring. but that's pretty much the state of things.)

2008-11-26T14:19:00.002+08:00

i am so fucking smashed. groan. i'm in MM class. i dont understand a thing. financial statements. holaud. equity balance sheets reserves share capital profit loss arglebargle i really need to sleep right now.

arrrrrgh.

2008-11-22T16:09:00.002+08:00

i think i just wasted my whole saturday. it's GONE. and i havent done any work. at all. and people keep asking me if my projects are over. PEOPLE, LISTEN. my projects will NEVER be OVER. not until i graduate. i'll never be free. NEVER.

what a nightmare. whoever said poly was slack wasnt from mass comm. i wish i could just quit. just stop. put my foot down. throw in the towel. say NO. no more. no more projects, no more assignments, no more work. NO MORE. i just want to stay at home and sleep and watch tv and bake.

yet some part of me (perversely enough) wants to stick it out and finish it and to KNOW that i've finished that i've done everything i can and i reached the end point. all in the name of work satisfaction. it's sickkk. i dont waaaaant toooooo. *whineeee*

but i must and i have to and i will (even if i dont want to). because i cant live with the knowledge that let some stupid project defeat me. I KNOW I CAN I KNOW I CAN I KNOW I CAN.

i hate positive self talk.

2008-11-18T22:28:00.005+08:00

my need for intelligent conversation is not being fulfilled by anyone around me (except maybe my mother and only on occasion). i'm pissed off with the world in general and seeing 'blood flying everywhere' from out of my wrist seems like a pretty idea. but my stupid penknife got confiscated at the airport in china. wonder where daddy kept all those new blades. hm.

tomorrow's pissing me off. and it's only still today. goddamnit. fuck everything. i hate school/life/work. i like /. slash slash. blood. spurt spurt. drip cherry juice all over my eyes.

wouldnt it be nice.

p.s. fuck you. leave me alone. please and a big fucking thank you.

2008-11-16T13:51:00.003+08:00

the truth is:
i put a two-dollar bill in the oven. and baked it with my brownies.

i know right. i'm amazing. (it was one of those plastic ones, too.)

2008-11-13T21:30:00.002+08:00

tv prod was fun today! (: actually, it's usually fun. and i've decided that i might some day be a copywriter. if i can make it.

i think i mentioned some time ago that mass comm spoils things for me. like movies and websites and television and newspapers. now it's moved on to magazines and newsletters. ): i couldnt look at my secondary school newsletter without analyzing it. and you know what? THEY DONT HAVE A GLORY BOX. so i dont know who did the layout (he/she could, uh, do so much better). baaah.

i need to sleep. lots of things to do tomorrow. and kids, if you're interested in my cupcake earrings and such i'm running a booth at orchid country club this saturday and sunday (15 & 16 november) from 12 - 8pm. soo, yes. VISIT ME. (:

2008-11-11T18:47:00.002+08:00

this was supposed to be for yesterday but i fell asleep so:

SUBMITTED/

COMPLETED/

FINISHED/

KISSED-GOODBYE

MY MAGAZINE.

for the not-tuned-in-to-channel-chelmin, that magazine (TRIPPERS) has been my baby, my pet, my i-will-sacrifice-my-sleep-to-see-this-done, sole focus of my academic life (and i have no life out side of that, so, yes. it effectively was my lifeblood) for the last month or so. and it is done. handing it up was almost emotional.

aaaaand, people, the magazine is going to be PUBLISHED and SOLD. so if you're interested in an autographed copy..*winkwink*

2008-11-08T10:53:00.002+08:00

[taken off angie's blog.]
I have a friend who is epically talented.
She is perhaps the most awesomest person on earth.
'Awesomest' is not technically a real word.
But let's face it, it's true. :DDD
She's The Best.
And her name is CHELMIN LIM.

CHEL, I <3 YOU.

_

ANGIE<3
(because she puts rainbows in my life.)

2008-11-07T21:56:00.002+08:00

BRITNEY SPEARS IS HOT AGAIN.
zomgzomgzomggggg. she's hot againnnn! BRITNEY'S BACK. :D

okay, i like hot girls. get over it. (ILOVEYOU,ANGIE!)

2008-11-03T20:12:00.002+08:00

i'm tired. and it's only 8 something. i'm stressed. i need a new piercing. want one. or two. damnit. i want to go piercing. electric guitar sounds lick at my insides. tasty.

arghhhhhhhrawrrrghhhfuck.

2008-11-01T23:45:00.001+08:00

i'm a fan of the Irish.
i love irish cream, irish setters and cillian murphy. HAH! <3

2008-10-31T18:55:00.003+08:00

i've submitted my IAP form. at last. almost forgot about it. today's been quite productive. i finished one spread, some graphics stuff and a card. jolly good. i'm pretty happy with the card. (: it's nice to be doing artsy things again. feels good.

well, i'm off.

p.s. Marks and Spencer's chocolate-coated digestive biscuits are the sex.

2008-10-30T01:25:00.003+08:00

i am very upset. yousendit is refusing to work. so i cannot send kenneth the stupid indd file. and i'm very tired. and very cranky. and i dont feel like uploading photographs for the magazine. actually, screw the magazine. i'm so tired. i know i'm not supposed to let work get to me. but i havent been sleeping enough. and i havent been feeling productive. and i havent been feeling appreciated. and i'm fucking pissed off with a lot of things. including myself. and my computer is being laggy. i am drained. fuckkk. carve crosses on my eyelids and see me bleed tears.

i'll forfeit my soul. just let me choke on my last breath.

2008-10-25T18:23:00.002+08:00

hello, everyone. i know it's been a while. but i'm awfully busy with school at the moment and between layouting, subbing, scrambling with assessed tutorials and getting chased out by security guards, all i've been able to do is try to remember to keep breathing and get some sleep and try not to break down. which is all taking up quite a lot of time.

but doing layouts is fun 'cause mags are dynamic and colourful and cool. so hurray for me. oh, and i've been sneaking time out to bake (this is part of trying not to break down! and also making sure i never lack good food for breakfast).

STICKYDATEMUFFINSAREMADEOFLOVEEEE. :D

2008-10-18T16:13:00.002+08:00

How to Feed a Baby Robot, originally uploaded by -cr.

i was just browsing flickr and this was totally cute. (: i love babies!

and robots are pretty convenient - they come with off switches. how i wish some of my friends had off switches and mute buttons (you know who i'm talking about). teehee. (:

2008-10-17T23:41:00.000+08:00

i'm in the mood for baking something luxurious and decadent and containing an indecent amount of chocolate. but y'know, as my favourite kitchen mantra goes: no one ever complains that there's too much chocolate.

and i'm obviously right because if i wasnt there'd be no such thing as chocolate buffets (try the fullerton's, by the way. it's like 40 bucks or something and totally scrummy. they have chocolate soup, for heavens' sake.)

so i'm going to attempt, once again, to kill everyone by chocolate overdose. uh, if there's any left by monday, that is. haha. (i can hear my classmates begging!)

chocolate is such a delight and like any diehard chocoholic will tell you, life is hardly worth living without a dark, silky, sinful bar of chocolate within reach. (or, on some days, a milky, smooth bar with gooey, golden caramel and creamy, sticky nougat in the centre. yummmmmm.)

ah, enough of my chocolate slathered daydreams - back to subbing. tralalaboohoohoo. it's such a tedious joy.
_

i typed all that yesterday in between subbing and trying not to get distracted (and failing at the latter, as you can tell). anyhow, i did bake today, but it's not ridiculously chocolatey: oreo cupcakes with white chocolate cookies and cream frosting.

decadent? most definitely.

but it also has a massive load of sugarrrrrrr so if y'get adverse reactions to glucose swishing 'round in your blood, i'd advise you stay away from my cupcakes. they're sugar-laden, fluffy, dense little bites of awesome - and best taken in small doses.

yumyum. also, my internet is being irritating. it's not exactly functioning and i dont know whyyyy. tsk. everything is taking about ten thousand years to load. also, i am like, very sleepy now. even though i woke up at noon.

might have something to do with the fact that i was up 'til 4am subbing other people's FA2s. (oh, grrrreat. my internets just DIED.)

GAH!

i give up. i'm just going to go to sleep.

oh, p.s. DERRICK, PONG AND JESZHENG, Y'ALL OWE ME BIGTIME. (just so you know.)
p.p.s. i got pretty new (co-ordinated) undies! i'm so happy! i love lace. <33

2008-10-15T21:25:00.002+08:00

i dont know what in the bleeping heck i did to my leg. it cramped up really badly while i was sleeping last night but i didnt wake up because i thought it was dream - and it's still hurting now.

i'm tired. irrational. and i want to cry. the general sentiment here is that i hate life and it stinks worse than a public bus when there's sweaty boys in it. my heart hurts. literally.

maybe i'm going to die. that's nice.

2008-10-14T08:36:00.007+08:00

coffee talk dredges up a lot of thoughts when done with the right (or maybe wrong) person. it's not an entirely bad thing to think - in fact, some would argue that it's good and not done enough. but this really isnt about how good or bad thinking is (my answer is actually that thinking is good but as with all good things, too much is a bad thing). and so i've been thinking about a lot of things that i thought i was done thinking about and would never quite change my mind about. not that my mind's been changed, but there are some new dimensions.

of friends, boys and other human beings,
they are more necessary, painful, distracting and sweet than i'd ever realised (at this point). and i never really saw a need to have people or the importance of friends - i still dont quite see the latter. not because i dont like having them around, but that i've always seen them as a transient thing: they leave. they let you down. but they're only human, so it's expected. best friends can stab you in the back (primary school, dont ask) and brothers can walk out of your life (for the silliest reasons).

i've never seen the need to fight to keep these people because i've always seen it as personal choice - to stay or to go. the people i love choose to go and there's not much i can do. and it's fine, really. i dont begrudge them the freedom to be free of me. i'm hardly easy to get along with. too much angst, too much cutting, too much macabre and horror.

still, i'm glad for people like petrina - my bestfriend of six years. i cant believe she stuck with me, cant believe she loves me so, cant believe that i deserve to have her in my life. to tell me it's alright to not be okay about rejection, to tell me i'm beautiful - more than cute, to tell me i'm needed and i'm loved. and i would be lost without her (not just when it comes to boys. grin). and the friends i've known for not-so-long, but are just as important to me: jesley, kenneth, apple, justin, jerms and so many other people, really. they're important. and i'd still let them leave if they wanted, just that i'd rather they not. okay, so honestly, i've never wanted my friends to go: i'm just pro-choice.

and of boys? well, i'm not ready for those yet. i'm not ready to end up in another blood and gore heartbreak wreck. i havent decided if it's ever worth it (my better sense says, "NO, NEVER" but i'm not sure). so no. not for now. not while i cant even sort myself out. i mean, i love the heady high of infatuation - the having of someone to focus on. to project my emotions and affection on. it's all terribly convenient and pretty to write about.

but that's about it. (boys are overrated.)

of dreams and jobs,
the former of which i have many (unrealistic in nature) and the latter of which i have had almost none. and really dont want any, not ever, maybe but not now. and i dont know what i want to do with my life. rather, i want to do a lot of things - too many. and too many stupid things. but i really, really want to change the world. but i'm so screwed up it might not be for the better, you know.

but someday i'll be a superhero. and i'll save the world. one mistake at a time.

of art and poetry,
my drugs, my reasons, my babies. they take turns to save my soul and get me in trouble - maybe so i'll never forget that i need them and i cant live without them. because i'd probably just spontaneously combust or bust a blood vessel or commit suicide for the lack of places for my energy and emotions and inspiration to go.

people can lie, but art cant lie. and i take a lot of joy in weaving truth disguised as illusion. it is my pleasure and it comes from my pain. devour all the delicious paradoxes and ironies in the world and pull them out again from the spaces between your fingers and your fingernails. i relish creation, expression and bleeding on canvas.

the problem lies herein: i cannot write without emotions and my most vivid emotions are love and pain. both of which seem to come hand in hand and the latter tends to hold on to me far longer than the former. it's a slight tragedy in itself, really. but i accept it as a necessary sacrifice.

of caffeine, adrenaline and other stimulants,
i am a thrice-damned addict, a willing captive, a wisp of smoke on the wind. gone. i have love affairs with lattes - icy cold and bitter. i cannot live without them. nor my pain-induced adrenaline rushes and chocolate-induced highs. my brain needs chemical supplements to make me spark and jump and function on an acceptable level.

i dont want to go to rehab.

so much for reflections.
i've said too much and nothing at all.

oh, yes. phase one of 'daddy, i want a dslr' has been put in motion. it's all but a matter of time now. and a little matter of balance. (:

2008-10-12T11:19:00.004+08:00

stupid song's still stuck in my head.
stupid boy's still being an idiot (and not replying emails).
stupid, stupid.

sigh. i'm going to dress up and go out and make myself feel pretty. WHO NEEDS BOYS. stupidoverratedrawrlgknseref.

2008-10-11T15:47:00.002+08:00

gathering thing. nothing much to say about at the moment. in summary: sleepy boys, too much food, coffee liqueur (delish), chocolate (overindulgence), hugs from jes <3, missing k and a, depressing movie (money no enough 2), personal issues that go unresolved, too much fun annoying hl, dissatisfaction with my life in general. i do like the t-shirts though.

i'm sleepy now. so i'm gone.

2008-10-10T00:28:00.002+08:00

you're a sonnet written in my heartbeat
words filling the empty spaces trapped in
between the light and darkness behind my
eyelids fluttering open white gauze curtains
brushing my lips into rosebud catalysts

kiss, consume
_

i'm sick of my imagery always being the same. i need..more. hm. need to intensify my feelings, make things more vivid - oversaturate my words. all my ideas run away the moment i try to write them down; too many, too far, too fast - all eclipsed by your name, scribbled all over my thoughts.
_

i draw hearts on the steamed up showerglass and your name, your face and that smile (the one i want to think is only mine) is singing in every drop of water that crashes on my skin and is trapped in my eyelashes, kissed by my lips and tries in vain to wash away my freckles. and you are wrapped in the cold air that whispers over me and makes my hair stand and my breath catch - like the lump in my throat before i cry, only much more pleasant.

plastering memories of you and me over every song i hear on my ipod (my playlist is called "moonstruck(:") and the people in the bus must think i'm insane because you're in the thrumming warmth of my heart and the silly smile i'm sure is on my face - i just cant get rid of it (and i blame you). and my hands are freezing again but i reason unreasonably that it must be because if they get cold enough you'll have to show up and make them warm again and that's why they're always so cold so easily - my flawed little logic paints the space between us purple.

just a little fiction.

2008-10-09T18:20:00.004+08:00

thank God PPP is over. stupid thing. there goes 4 hours of my life. but tomorrow's coming! :DDD i'm glad about that. i need to prep food and stuff. but i'm now kicking back a little. at west mall's coffeebean. heh. i'm a caffeine addict. <3

was at subway just now. saw an old, old friend and i didnt manage to say hello 'cause i was ordering while he was leaving. i think he either didnt see me or did recognise me. no surprise. or maybe he didnt want to see me. hmm. i dont know. i shall attempt to dig up his contact and talk to him again.

well, i'm gonna go back to my latte, carrotcake and article-subbing now. toodles!

2008-10-09T13:13:00.003+08:00

fifteen minutes into PPP, the lecturer is already proving herself a pain. also, i think her eyebrows are done the 'i not stupid 2' way - with a brush and sauce dish.

baaaaah. 4 hours. i'm going to sub my articles. tch.

edit: they make her look permanently surprised.

2008-10-08T17:53:00.003+08:00

i have a thing for charm bracelets.

aaaand i have been baking today! huge pile of double chocolate chocolate chip cookies and a bunch of vanilla cupcakes and a brownie like cake thing in the oven. oh, and i ate so much chocolate. if you have any sense (unlike me) you'd know that chocolate + sore throat = BAD. but i ignored that, as always and now it feels as if somebody skinned my throat. gaah.

oh, and i got chocolate everywhere. probably spent half of the time licking it off my arms and fingers and face. psh. messy business. i also got plenty of it on my shirt. /: i dont envy my maid - she's gonna have to wash it.

all in all, today has been quite productive. i'm going shopping for more food later! :D the menu for friday is already out. huzzah. if you like pasta and pizza, you'll probably have a good time. but dont worry, there's people bringing other things too. yaaaay! i cant wait for friday. it'll be FUN. lots of food and drinks and PEOPLE. i miss all my wuhan trippers. (:

you know what? i think i actually like cognac. or perhaps it's just 'cause it's inside the chocolate. i like almost everything with chocolate. :D

i'ma go sniff my cake naoz. BAHBYE!

edit: i forgot to mention the TRUFFLES. i made truffles! two types. and if i have time i'll do another type. :D can you tell i'm a chocolate addict? of course you can.

p.s. my dear wuhan trippers (most of whom dont actually read my blog), write your wills before you arrive - you might die of chocolate overdose. but, hey! it's a good way to die as any. one of the better ways to die, in fact. grin.

2008-10-06T23:43:00.001+08:00

i finished my chinese politics essay! WHAT A RELIEF. phewwww. i'm brain-drained. and i have a meeting tomorrow. oh, dear. i shall snoozy away on the bus. gaaah. i'm so glad i'm done.

now if only my cold would go away. i cant wait to be able to hear properly again. psh.

2008-10-05T22:11:00.003+08:00

'cause you're asking why and i'm asking why not. remember to pack mosquito repellent. tuck a picture of me behind your eyelids 'cause i've got one of you glued to mine. oh, dear.

free-falling; i suppose it's a bit late to panic (ho-hum, hop on the irony train) but i'm panicking, worrying, generally freaking out. how now brown cow. maybe if i could just bring myself to remember to enjoy the falling/flying bit i'd loosen up a little. i dont like the waiting game. it's not like i havent hinted - okay, i've gone way past hinting! GAH.

am i crazy for wanting you?
wait, dont answer that. i know i am.
i'm losing my mind. you're everywhere and i dont know why.
bite me.

when all the songs you want to hear are in his mp3 player.
when he keeps popping up in your head and the thoughts of him make you smile to yourself for no reason at all.
when you find yourself looking for excuses to talk to him (and worrying he wont reply).
when you miss your bus stop by a mile because you were daydreaming of him.
when you jump every time your phone rings because it might be him.
when you fret over what he'll think if you talk to him out of the blue.
when you're scared that he'll say 'no'.
that's when you know you're TOO FAR GONE.

sigh.

2008-10-05T18:25:00.003+08:00

i'm spamming my own blog. hah. but i'm allowed, so it's alright.

i feel like some gnome crawled in to my head and stuffed it up with cotton wool or something - everything's muffled and woozy. i dont think i have a fever, but i might be wrong. the headache's coming back. maybe the iced latte and the getting-caught-in-the-rain were bad ideas. oh, woe.

baa baa black sheep.

2008-10-05T13:53:00.000+08:00

turns out i dont have class this week. coulda slept an hour more. but it doesnt matter. waiting for service to start with my iced latte (i doubt this is helping with the cold, but nevermind that). being sick is uncomfortable. gah. sniffles.

scribbling on napkins.

2008-10-05T11:33:00.004+08:00

"dear you,
if you ever wonder if i dream about you, i do - and the truth is, i never want to wake up because i know you wont be there once i open my eyes. i dont like that feeling.

if you ever wonder why i'm fearless, i'm not - the truth is, i'm terrified. of what you could do to me and what i might do to you. but with all the chancy, risky, treacherous things that i'd like to do (sky-diving included) i figured that i'd take this chance. and i remind myself not to be scared because i know God will catch me even if i stumble and fall and He'll always be there to help me mend - no matter what.

if you ever wonder if i'm waiting, i am - because the truth is my heart made up my mind. so here i am. with nothing more to say.

love,
me"

a letter marked with flying kisses.

2008-10-04T15:44:00.003+08:00

i know i said i'd take a stab at FA2 today. but my cold-throat-inflammation thing is taking a turn for the worse and i feel the beginnings of a headache-fever gig. so, as a preemptive measure, i'm going to hydrate, pop some pills and snooze. hopefully, it'll all be gone by the time i wake up.

2008-10-04T13:49:00.002+08:00

i actually managed to wake up in time for lunch. if you consider it lunchtime at 2. huzzah. my first thought when i woke up was..hmm. nevermind. let's skip to my second thought: a picture memory of my wuhan room and the colourful bedsheet and knowing that i wont wake up to that. it makes me kind of sad.

but i'm not going to wallow in self-pity. i'm going to go downstairs and make lunch and then give FA2 a stab. oh. and i'm sick. sigh. stupid weather.

2008-10-04T01:39:00.004+08:00

so..wuhan was not exactly love at first sight. dark and dingy, remember? but it certainly held a lot of firsts for me - although it's special for more than that.

MY FIRST TIMES (not exhaustive)
- almost missing a plane (the first of many more, apparently)
- being on a plane without my parents
- being in a bus that gets tangled with electrical wires
- feeling afraid of a place i have to stay in
- scooping up beetles and keeping them in jars (to scare people)
- shopping at carrefour with apple and jesley for household necessities (zomg, nightmare, please)
- cooking lunch for ten people with one miserable pot
- making mushroom porridge
- being desperate for salt
- eating reganmian (and getting hooked)
- consuming copious amounts of yoghurt (all this before the stupid dairy product crisis, of course)
- having mianwo and some other local food stuff for breakie at hubuxiang
- sleeping in class blatantly (i usually really try not to do this)
- speaking chinese extensively because i have no choice
- bargaining really hard for something i want (lacey hoodie!)
- staying up 'til ungodly hours to watch a movie on a macbookpro
- almost putting that macbookrpro under a running tap (dont ask)
- playing 'i have never' (awful game)
- gone on a shopping rampage (beyond spree, seriously)
- wished for a five-hour busride to last longer than it did
- sat on my luggage to squeeze everything in
- given a rose to someone
- picked up the use of funny words like 'lol' (spoken)
this among many, many others. others that i wont or can type now. (:

i think i'm quite besotted with the place. i mean, there are certain inconveniences, of course, but with good company and enough cash, one can overcome all adversity. or so i'd like to think. haha. but i do feel a good deal of affection for wuhan atm. and even more for my friends who went with me there. i love all of you. <3

and i wished that plane ride would've lasted forever.

p.s. ignore my last post, okay? i was emoing and no in the right state of mind.

2008-10-03T00:07:00.002+08:00

i feel fucking abandoned.

in actuality, i believe it's the combination of tiredness, needing to be around people, the pain in my back and emoing over this being the last night and me not doing anything productive. i still feel awful. damn it all to hell.

gush blood and lick it off the floor. whoohoo.

2008-10-02T23:25:00.002+08:00

my back fscking HURTS. i'm going to DIE on the bus tomorrow. then i'm going to die again at the airport (sitting around for 5 hours is quite shitty). and then i'm going to die again on the airplane.

all i really want to do is cuss.

in fact, i can bearly not-swear so i think i might have to stop typing least my lack of self-control gets the better of my. oh, fuck. i dont actually care.

i dont want to go home. i dont want to be home alone. ALL I WANT IS ONE THING. it's really not that simple. my back hurts like shit.

oh, look. circular ending.

2008-10-01T11:17:00.003+08:00

cant believe we're leaving in two days. i dont want to go. the weather's gorgeous. i wish we could stay another week. and of course, it means i'll see less of my friends. and i'll miss them (not the annoying bits, but the company). and the 20 deg C! ahhh, it's not even that cold in my room at home with the aircon on. ):

i need a hug.

2008-09-30T12:03:00.003+08:00

i..am in trouble. my FA2 angle eludes me and we're now playing a rather spectacularly annoying game of cat-and-mouse. i'd like to say 'screw everything' and go be frivolous, but there's no more time. we leave on friday (way too soon). what am i going to do?

sigh. give me chocolate and a forever-busride (with comfy seats, please).

oh, and the cherry on top? i think i'm falling sick. arggggh.

2008-09-29T00:31:00.003+08:00

the weather just got cold. it is so friggin' awesome. I LOVE COLD. cold is scrummy! it's prolly about 20 deg C. i'm not sure. i dont really care for the numbers either way - all i know is that it's cold and it's totally awesome! :DDDDD

well, cheerios!

2008-09-28T15:40:00.002+08:00

i just got back from the three gorges and i havent uploaded my photos yet but it's probably not much to see - y'know, the usual suspects: shrubbery and rocks and water. i probably took a million pictures of yesterday's sunset though and yes, i know it's just one sunset but it was pretty and i dont think i took enough pictures anyway.

and, uhm, we were on a cruise thing (if you could call it that) during which we spent most of our time playing mahjong. haha. that was kinda fun. they've got those automatic table things and it really speeds the game up way much. oh, and we played 'i never' which is silly and ridiculous and there's always one or two people who get targeted (poor souls).

the weather's glorious today - it's 20 deg C. :DDDD awesome. i think i'm really gonna miss this place when i get back. it's kinda sad, eh. i'm going for a massage tomorrow - my neck hurts from the badly designed bus seat (which i was in for an hour).

speaking of bus rides, there was quite some drama on the way back. actually, there was drama on the way there as well. being a bus driver in china is a major hazard - people pretend to get knocked down or exaggerate it so they can extort money from you. happened just today. drama, drama. it was a little scary with the people yelling and hurting each other and trying to reverse our bus into a building.

thank God we're all safe. (:

despite all that, i'm gonna miss those five-hour bus rides.

2008-09-21T15:28:00.005+08:00

i guess it's about time i updated. gotta bump that emopost off some time.

anyhoot, i have been up to quite some since the last time i blogged. for one thing, i climbed a mountain - well, sort of. i had the help of modern technology (cable cars!). wudangshan. yes, the one that always appears in wuxiaxiaoshuo (supposedly, that is; not that i actually know anything about those, i've never read any).

it was a rather pretty mountain and quite cold. kenneth says it's worth the 5-hour bus ride from school, but i'm undecided. as far as mountains go, it's actually really well-kept in that it's clean and the steps/roads are built really nicely. none of that woodenplanks-and-mud stuff that you find all the time in malaysia. what i didnt quite like about it was that we were sort of rushing. 'cause we arrived pretty late and by the time we rushed up to the summit and looked around, they were about to close the gates. oh, and it was getting dark as we made our descent so, yeah.

i did get to see loads of gorgeous, dew-spangled spider webs though. so i'm not complaining. (:

we only stayed one night and the hotel was actually pretty nice - as in, it really did look and feel like a hotel. not a luxurious one, mind. it was only two-star; but it was still pretty good. there was actually a tv! (i didnt watch anything remotely intelligent, dont worry about it).

the food there was quite nice too. well, i liked it anyway. 'cause there was a ton of vegetables. scrummy. course, the guys didnt take to it as kindly as i did. grin.

really, you'd think that after we went up and down a mountain, took a 5-hour bus ride and woke up at 6am, we'd be all tuckered out - but of courrrrrse not. well, i was. i knocked out after a shower only to be woken up by jesley's screaming, honglin's laughing, jerm's voice and all the other random loud sounds passing through the too-thin walls. sigh.

ended up walking around a bit and nearly freezing - it was so awesome. and then for wont of keeping our limbs in tact, we had to go back to the room. and justin got evicted from his room and all the rooming arrangements promptly got shoved out the window. it's really quite amusing. i had some funny dreams that night (read: werechickens).

we went to some palace thing the next morning and some bits of it were really quite pretty. the scenery was stunning, of course. but maybe because i couldnt see that much of it through the mist. we went to look at all the old buildings and temples and stuff and they had all of those coin-tossing things that's supposed to bring you good luck, etc. but i was just thinking about it and it seems to me that we take it more as an arcade game (get the coin through the hole to make the bell ring) than anything else. i've mixed feelings.

not that it matters.

the bus ride home was long and (for brief moments) amusing. brief moments 'cause that's how long i was awake for. between munching, people watching, sleeping and being duped with card tricks there was not much to do. thank God for my nano.

OHGOSH. MY NANO! IT DOESNT HAVE A NAME. D: okay, let me go find one now. OH. okay. GOT IT. xD my nano's name is wrenberry. giggle. whaaaat? it's appropriate! wren is a small bird and berries are small fruits - also, my nano is pink. yay!

so, anyway, thank God for wren. (: she's so lovely. (oh, and her nickname is biscuit. if you've met her, you'll know why. :D)

ahah, and once again, we set out to prove ourselves overly exuberant because instead of sleeping early, we went to ktv. and came home at like, 4 in the morn. and BAH, they kept singing CHINESE SONGS! whinewhinewhine. and kenneth and i sang 'opps! i did it again'. we're so awful. teehee.

anyhow, i'm supposed to do my photoessay today. so off i go to do work! i've been eating yoghurt. i love yoghurt. nyum.

zomg, werechickens.

2008-09-14T04:35:00.000+08:00

i feel heavy and empty. with a lot to say and nothing to say. maybe i should just knock back the shots and go to sleep.

i'll keep on singing love songs just to break my own fall.

2008-09-14T04:28:00.000+08:00

i'm tired and keyed up and too messed up to sleep. it's 4 am. i shouldnt be awake - but i am. i dont know. i'm depressed. alone. sick. i havent done enough to put me to sleep. not just yet. is there some way you could just shoot it up my veins? sing me a lullaby.

i'm just about crushed with the need for affection and warm hands. beyond the bottlecap marks (so angry red on my skin) and the thistles behind my eyelids i dont know what i'm thinking. can we fastforward to the happily ever after? i cant read signs, cant understand, i'm not psychic; just disturbed, perturbed, lost. so lost.

could you stay with me, linger over the doorstep and spill your deepest secrets? let's intoxicate ourselves on the citrus scent of vodka trapped in pretty bottles and the silver dance of moonlight off bathroom tiles (for some reason installed on the roof). and if the moon decides to hide from me, it'll still be okay because my hands wont be cold and the stars (behind the clouds) will speak to me with their sparkly glass voices. (i'm no LSD addict.)

i'll promise i'm not drunk and that i never get drunk and we can defy physics and logic and the truth about circumstances. and it would all seem much easier than it really is.

maybe i wont even really mind (at first) if you promised me lies.

on an unrelated note, my exam results are coming out tomorrow. how dreary.

fuck.

2008-09-12T15:05:00.002+08:00

"Too much," I whispered back. "More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that." I sighed, one blush blending into the next.

ah, twilight. scrummy vampire boys, scrummy canadian boys, scrummy boys. how distracting. i'm supposed to be doing work at the moment. instead, i'm stuck on a book and thinking about frivolous things. sigh.

my dreams are a mess of colour. i cant focus. being alone at home doesnt help. sigh. at least there's aircon.

):

tuck my cold hands into your collar.

2008-09-08T00:10:00.001+08:00

i just got off the phone with my brother. was telling him about one of my stranger dreams. and you know what he told me? that maybe it wasy my future. i think he's a bit stressed or tired or freaked out from his own weird dreams. but i still love him. tsk. sillycow.

kissing _________ is not in my future.

2008-09-07T00:06:00.001+08:00

i cant connect to the internets! AGAIN. ))))))): so annoying nya. oh, well. here i am on textedit again. i'm up at 11.30 in the nighttime cooking for my hungry buggers. tsktsk. i feel like a mother with an unruly brood. who dont wash the ricecooker thing. blaaaah.

we went to the yellow crane tower today - lovely place. no wonder those poets wrote about it. it was a rushed visit though. i'd like to go back some time and explore it slowly. i did enjoy running up and down the stairs. (:

the nighttime visit to jiang pian was not as great because it was rushed too and it was boring the coffee sucked. but i got a caffeine high anyway and sang to myself all the way back to school (in the bus). aaaand now the buggers are about to come over so i need to go mess with my utensils. i enjoy cooking.

it's mushroom porridge, in case you were wondering.

2008-09-06T03:07:00.002+08:00

the word of the day is: BUGS.

i like bugs. i have a bug farm! i have 2 big spiders, 1 small spider and 1 seven-legged spider, 1 dead ladybug and lots of black beetles (i dont know what breed they are). I HAVE BUGS. but i lost the big spider behind the toilet bowl. no idea where it went. oh, well.

let's hope there're no little miss muffets in this flat. :D

i dont know why my friends think bugs are 'disgusting'. i find them rather interesting! :D BUGS. i like those. bugs because spiders are not insects. lalala.

i'm going to the yellow crane towers tomorrow. and some other places. (: pray for good weather! and, it's really late now so i shall go sleep.

AFTER i tell you all about how awesome it is to have technical support people in a group! IT IS AWESOME. i deleted my file (by accident/stupidly) and by some miracle tech support retrieved it! THANK GOD. :D 'tis a pretty picture, you know. it's now my wallpaper! :D the first proper drawing i've done in ages. and..i'm not showing it to you now 'cause i'm too lazy to upload. b: whoopsiedoodles.

lovelovelove,
chelmin.

p.s. i think i'm on a caffeine high!
p.p.s. we watched a 'horror' movie today! what an adventure - RAN to the movie theatre!
p.p.s. i think wahaha is my favourite chinese brand. for drinks.
p.p.p.s. uncle pop waffle biscuits are really good.

okay, i'm gone nao.

bugsbugsbugsbugsbugs!

2008-09-02T21:10:00.000+08:00

i mean to update my blog, really. but the internet is flickering on and off and it's an altogether painful experience trying to get it to work. my solution is to type it into textedit and post it later (when the net comes back from it's spidersilk lalaland).

anyhow, a bit about my life in wuhan:

1) i thank God it's not permanent. not because the place is all that awful - i mean, i have aircon and occasional internet and shopping. it cant be that bad. the thing is, i've been spoilt rotten by the comforts of singapore. i'm talking about dry bathroom floors, clean public toilets and english-speaking people.

2) the taxis are cheap - thank God. because our campus (wuhan university) is rather ginormous. uh, like 4 times the size of NP but with mountains and lakes and things like that. yes, it is rather big hence my gratefulness towards the low cab fares.

3) the people i'm with - they are awesome. truly. thank God for the company. even if one or two are slightly more than a little annoying at times. i will name no names.

4) there are beautiful caucasian girls! and kids! OMG. happy! at least i have eyecandy. giggles. ooooh, blue eyes. <3

5) SHOPPING. thank God for shopping! shopping is awesome. indeed. as demonstrated by the pair of converse sneakers in my previous post (lovelovelove!).
_

alrighty, now that everyone knows i'm a shallow, materialistic person i need to prove them wrong - well, actually i dont. i dont really care what people think. :D

i've been taking loooooads of pictures but i'm just really lazy to post them. haha. oh, wells. maybe if i get some encouragement i shall put a few of the better ones up. cheers, people. i miss you guys. (:

p.s. i'm attending a church service by the wuhan international christian fellowship and it's really cool! more next time (stay tuned to radioheatwave!).

2008-09-01T22:26:00.002+08:00

check out my new kicks. :D

i admit it - i love shoes. i especially loveeee vandalizing shoes. such scrummy business. btw, those converse shoes only cost me S$17. grin. i love a good bargain.

2008-08-23T23:29:00.003+08:00

surprisingly, i can access blogger. in china. i thought it was banned. i've been travelling all day. and i dont really want to talk about it. the place is kinda..dingy. and very dark - the streets are barely lit.

pray.

2008-08-19T00:11:00.007+08:00

this is what i've been up to.

click it big!

i'm sooo productive. gosh, i love sprinkles. they're so damned pretty. oh, and i also made expresso truffles, but i didnt take pictures. they were made in a hurry and are thus very truffly - that is, out of shape - indeed. but they still taste awesome, so yeah. WHO CARES.

the best way of getting fat is to enjoy doing it, eh? <3 yummybakedgoods.

edit: you know what? today was my commiss exam and i didnt even think of saying anything about it! see how straight my priorities are? tsktsk. but those cupcakes are soooo scrummy. esp with cream cheese frosting! omg<3

2008-08-16T21:26:00.001+08:00

i'm sorry if i'm short and i snap at you.
it's just hard to pretend to be okay when i'm not. i used to be a lot better at this game.

2008-08-16T15:12:00.003+08:00

10 things i did this week (in no particular order):
1. cleaned a one-room flat (without falling out of the window!)
2. made friends with a kitten
3. baked carrot muffins (because i had no cake tin to bake a carrot cake)
4. found a much better way of coating truffles
5. baked my first ever batch of red velvet cupcakes
6. set my alarm clock one hour later than i should have (i was late for school, of course)
7. bought 2 new pens
8. almost bought a new wallet
9. ate my first multi-vite pill ever
10. worried about going to wuhan

notice that 'mugging my eyes out' is not on that list. neither is 'getting sufficient sleep'. but i have been studying. just not as much as i'd like. AND MY EXAMS ARE NEXT WEEK. whoopdeedoo. and right, why am i still blogging? i dont have a good answer for that one. ah, well.

anyway, people-who-read-my-blog, i will be in china (wuhan) from august 23 to october 3; that is 6 weeks for an immersion programme. and i think blogger is banned in china, so i might not be able to blog. which is sad but true. so dont miss me too much.

toodles. i'm off to study! (omg, i sound like luoer!)

2008-08-14T23:13:00.002+08:00

it seems every time exam and study periods come around, i get into a baking frenzy. i dont know where this urge comes from or why i do it. it's certainly not because i want to eat - i rarely eat much of the stuff i bake save for the first few pieces. i just get a high from the sugar and butter and flour and eggs and whatever else i happen to be using transforming from plain, simple things into the most perfumey, melty, sweet things.

not to mention my friends all seem to appreciate it. i'm just glad there's people around to finish the food. otherwise it'll just grow mould at in my cupboard. i have this crazy need to bake a carrot cake. i dont know why. i just really, really, really want to. sigh. i'm supposed to be studying.

anyone up for a spot of midnight baking?

2008-08-11T00:32:00.003+08:00

luoer made me watch a silly video. and now it's running all over my head and my insides and it's not very good but the way they spoke makes me think of the way i think when i write. and i think it's spilling over but that doesnt really matter. it makes me think of the beautiful, wonderful things God made and put in this world and how much words can say and cannot say and that sometimes it's what they cannot say that matters the most and is said in what they do say but not really.

no, i dont suppose anyone would ever want to be trapped in my head, they'd last about 2 seconds before they're smooshed by the avalanche of thoughts and words and the sheer amount of insensibility.

words cant say all the important things in the world but in not saying them, they say everything that means anything. i suppose it's called reading between the lines, which is really reading something out of nothing because of the things around it. context is, arguably, everything. but then there's no context for love because it just IS. like God's love, how is there a context for that? there isnt. He just IS love. LOVES. and that's sort of final-no-two-ways-about-it.

and i like that because i think we all need that. something stable that just IS no matter the context because everything else in our lives depend on context; on who what where when how why. and sometimes all that doesnt matter - because it's all contextual and once you step back, step out, step up, it all doesnt apply anymore. besides, it only ever matters if you think it matters.

in other news, i'm feeling particularly lucid at this moment. but i suppose my own measure of my own lucidity is inaccurate because not everyone understands the content of my thoughts when taken out of the context that is my mind. and also, i tend to have strange and abstract things going on in my head along with everything that makes sense. but dont we all.

i dont suppose this made sense to anyone, but that's really quite okay. i'm writing it for myself, not anyone else. even so, i must say, i like red velvet cupcakes. they're really rather pretty. the red is pointless, but it is pretty. and they dont taste half bad either. also, that had nothing to do with the rest of what i was saying. if you understood it. not that you're expected to.